


My Clarence

by devilstrapped



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-08
Updated: 2014-01-08
Packaged: 2018-01-08 00:59:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1126497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devilstrapped/pseuds/devilstrapped
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dean notices a mysterious boy at college he is determined to start speaking to him. When Dean and Castiel grow ever closer it turns out Castiel hasn't been completely honest with him and John Winchester gets involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Clarence

Dean:

Finals are becoming a drag; I don't know how long I can stick out studying without going insane. I never wanted to go to college in the first place; I thought it would make Sammy proud, knowing I'm trying to at least do something, but it's hard, you know? I know Mom is proud too; she's always smiling when I get back from college, or when I think I did well in one of my exams. I just guess it's my job to be the example; if I can do it, then Sammy can kick ass. Someone suggested starting this diary as a stress reliever, and I have to admit, it kind of works: it's like venting. I don't empty out to anybody that isn't me, but emptying out to a piece of paper that no one has to read is different, so here I am: trying. Today, I was waiting for Sammy after college to take him home like usual (Dad lets me use his car while he's out working, which is pretty sweet,) when I saw someone… interesting. I've seen him around a few times but I've never spoken to him. Not many people intimidate me but there's something about him. Maybe it's the way that whenever I see him, he's always alone. Maybe it's his gruff (yet shy) look. I'm not sure, but he seems like an interesting dude. I saw him leaving college today and there's just something about him. Every time I see him I feel the need to sit up straight and adjust my clothes; almost to impress. Next time I see him, I think I'm going to try speak to him.

Castiel:

I've officially been writing this diary for two years, so happy anniversary! Classes are getting harder and I'm halfway through my finals. I'm doing the best I can, so whatever grades I get I will be happy with; after all I am putting in all the effort I have, so there's no point getting upset about it if I wouldn't have been able to achieve higher anyway. Gabriel is happy with my progress and he keeps reminding me how 'clever' I am and how he knows I'll do great. I don't see why he keeps calling me great: he's the one looking after me, feeding me and giving me a place to stay until I have redeemed myself. I wish I could say the same nice things for my other brothers; it's been so long now, but I'm not even sure if I miss them. There is one thing that has been on my mind, though. I keep seeing someone around college, I don't feel like he is following me, but he does catch my eye. I see him looking at me sometimes and I have no idea why: if he wants to talk to me he should just approach me; after all I have nobody to speak to. He is very attractive, I must admit. When I catch him looking at me, he turns away quickly and I kind of like having that effect on someone. I may greet him next time I catch him making eyes at me again.

Dean:

Sam brought a girl home last night for dinner. She was pretty; I'm proud of him, and it's nice to see him smiling. Mom seemed to have taken a liking to her straight away. She reminds me of Mom in some ways, and it's not just her blonde hair. Dad still hasn't come home from work yet and I can see Mom is missing him. She used to be smiling as soon as I got home; now she just hugs me and carries on cleaning or cooking, doing something that keeps her busy. It was nice to see her smile this evening, though, when Jess was here. She finally had a girl to talk to. It makes me feel a little guilty knowing she'll never have two girls to get along with. I feel like I should be attracted to girls and that I should be able to make my mom feel less lonely. It would give Sammy's girlfriend someone to talk to too, but I can't help being attracted to men. I still haven't told Mom or Sam. I think Sam is catching on, though, because he sees me looking at other guys and he gives me a strange look if I fix his hair before he gets out of the car. I would love to tell them both, but God knows how they would react. I'm going to keep it to myself for now; until the right time pops up.

Castiel:

I saw him again. I didn't have to approach him; he approached me, which was a surprise. I was extremely fidgety when he came over and I didn't know where to look. I was afraid that if I looked straight at him I would get lost in those green eyes. His name is Dean Winchester. I knew I recognised his name as I knew who his brother, Sam, was. His brother was a top student: he was really bright; I'd always wished I had his intelligence. I never thought he even had a brother. I don't understand the feeling I got when he started telling me he noticed me and he thought that I seemed like an 'awesome guy'. I felt the blood rush to my cheeks: from what I've heard people say about it, it's called blushing; a strange reaction to being complimented. My stomach felt like it was floating and tickling inside, and a warm rush shot through me whenever he said 'Cas' instead of 'Castiel'; nobody had called me that before and it felt kind of special to have a nickname. We talked during our breaks, and I saw him again after college in his car waiting for his brother. He honked his horn and signalled for me to go over and talk to him. He proceeded to ask me to dinner with him, his mother and his brother. I obviously accepted, as it's always nice to leave Gabriel's, as he gets on my nerves most days. I can already feel myself getting too close to Dean but there is something different about him compared to all the other humans.

Dean:

Castiel: his name is Castiel. Quirky name, but I like it; it has a ring to it. I saw him again during my break and I talked to him; I told him how I had seen him around and I decided it was time to say, 'Hey'. I didn't think he seemed interested in me being there at first; he looked everywhere except right at me. There's something cute about his shyness, but I couldn't help feeling disappointed when he wouldn't look at me: he had such deep blue eyes. Once he found out I was related to Sam he seemed much more interested; he knew Sam was intelligent, and he actually looked up to him. This made me quite proud of Sammy, to know how people look at him like that; after all Sam is an intelligent kid. I saw Cas during both my breaks and we talked a lot, mostly about me. He was very sensitive about details on his family and background, which didn't bother me. I told him about how Mom looks after us at home and how Dad works away and that I wasn't sure where he worked or what he did; all I knew was that he was sometimes gone for weeks at a time, but he always made it home okay. All I know about Cas is that he lives with his brother Gabriel, but he doesn't enjoy it too much. I couldn't help think about how he said he doesn't enjoy it, so when I saw him again after college, I asked him to come back to my place for dinner. He seemed happy to join us and I'll be seeing him again tomorrow. Something about him makes me really happy and warm and it's the first time in forever that I've actually been excited for something. I'm planning to tell Mom and Sam tomorrow about my sexuality. I don't care if they like it or not, but they're not the kind of people to be judgemental either way.

Castiel:

Classes are beginning to feel longer now because it's all a wait to see Dean and hear about his interesting stories again. I could listen to him speak about his family forever; they all sound like really good people. I went to Dean's for dinner today. It was really interesting, I enjoyed it; however, there was a lot that happened and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Mary seemed to take a liking to me; she would put the plate in front of me and mess up my hair before exclaiming how lovely I was. Sam is really nice too; we talked about how he's studying to go to law school and how it's always been his dream to be a lawyer and I noticed how the whole time Dean was listening intently. Even though he had probably heard his brother talk about it a hundred times, he still seemed to be fascinated with how Sam had an aspiration. Dean went quiet for a while after we had all spoken about ourselves. He had a drink before he looked at me and then at his mother. Then he said it; he said he was gay, he told them that he was tired of holding it back, that he needed to say it and Sam didn't seem at all surprised, almost like he knew. Then again, the two brothers are close enough to be able to tell. After he told them, he grabbed my hand and told me that he didn't know what it was, but he felt something for me, that from the moment he first met me properly he knew that we would become close and that he wanted us to become close. I couldn't help but smile, despite the feeling being new to me. I didn't know what to say or do; all I could say was 'thank you' and thinking about it, that was probably a stupid thing to say. Mary couldn't stop smiling though; she was proud of him. I like Dean; he's different, just like I thought. A good different. He makes me smile and makes me happy, which is a rarity and, for the first time, when I leave him, I miss him.

Dean:

It went better than expected; Mom just smiled and Sam already knew. They were both happy for me. Cas did something weird though. He smiled - he freaking smiled a lot, but he didn't say he felt the same way; he just said 'thank you'. I probably shocked him; that's what it was. He wasn't mad though: he's not straight either; he didn't freak out or leave straight away, he stayed with me and squeezed my hand tightly and when he stared into my eyes, I felt like I was melting. I didn't want to say goodbye to him. I wanted him to stay. I wanted to grab him tight and feel his perfect lips against mine. I know I sound crazy, and I know I sound like I'm moving too fast, but I'm not; I don't care if it's stupid or I'm making a bad decision, but I like him. He's cute, and extremely attractive. He's mysterious, but that just means there's room for me to get to know him. We've talked every day through our breaks and we've arranged to see each other after college too. He has beautiful blue eyes; I've never seen a blue like it before. The way he looks at you is enough to make anyone melt, and he listens so well. I've never felt comfortable talking to anyone about personal things and issues before, but I feel as if I can speak to Cas about anything, and I trust that he will keep it between us. I think I'm falling for Castiel. I'm going to take him out tomorrow; not to my house, but like on a date. We'll go for some beers; I'll see if he'll like that.

Castiel:

I saw Dean again today at college. There's something weird about seeing him come over to me; the way he notices me and smiles and instantly starts walking towards me in his plaid shirt. His facial hair is growing and it makes him look more attractive. Sometimes I imagine what it must be like to kiss someone with such stubble; would it tickle? Is it stupid that I think about kissing Dean? I've never thought about any human like this; I never knew I could. He asked me to let him take me out for drinks tonight. Of course I said yes; it's worth spending every moment I get with Dean: he's wonderfully kind; people don't see that side of him, I can tell by the way they look at him that they're all intimidated. I don't see why. I look forward to drinks tonight as I've never had alcohol before; I don't actually need to drink at all but obviously Dean doesn't know this and nor should he need to as of yet.

Dean:

Cas is coming out for drinks. I love seeing him in college. I could pick him out of a crowd of a million people. I don't have much to write about today so I think I'll get ready for those drinks.

Dean got in his Dad's car and turned on the radio, to which Guns 'n' Roses began to play. Bobbing his head, he turned it up and set off for Castiel's. He stopped the car and looked in the rear-view mirror fixing his hair and jacket before walking up to Castiel's front door and taking a deep breath before knocking. Castiel looked great as usual, wearing a shirt with the two top buttons undone and a pair of black jeans that made him look great in all areas. Dean looked him up and down before gesturing towards the car. Castiel smiled and got into the Impala, watching Dean's every step, admiring the way he walks; admiring everything he did.

"Am I dressed adequately?" Castiel asked. Dean always thought it was adorable how alien Castiel seemed to social activities; even at dinner Castiel would look at Dean to make sure it was okay for him to begin eating.

"You look great, Cas." Castiel did that smile that Dean always loved to see as he turned to look forward and set off.

"Here we are; it's not much but we can chat as long as you like, and I can buy you your first beer. You'll love it." Castiel waited for Dean to walk in first and he found them an area to sit in while Dean went and bought drinks.

"I'll just buy you my usual, seeing as you're new to this. You can try different beers if you'd like, to see which you prefer."

"I'll just drink your usual; I'm sure it will suffice." Dean acknowledged this and headed to the bar.

Castiel:

I really hope alcohol doesn't taste horrible so I can keep it up and drink it all night. I wonder if it will affect me in anyway.

Dean sat down opposite Castiel and set the two drinks down on the table.

"Bottoms up. I want to see what Cas thinks of his first beer."

Castiel took the beer in his hand and observed it before scrunching his eyes closed and taking large gulps of the drink.

"Cas, slow down! You don't want to get too drunk after just one beer!" Castiel set the beer back down and looked at Dean with a face of approval.

"I don't know if you know this, Cas, but you're really important to me right now. I've never been close to anyone other than members of my family; I don't trust easily but you… You're different. I don't know exactly how you feel about this, or about my actions during dinner the other day, but I just want to be truthful with you: no secrets. I really like you, Cas, I do. I just want to know if you feel the same."

Castiel didn't know what to say. He was taken aback by the whole thing; it was new to him, after all. He sat in silence for a second while thinking about how to react.

"Dean, I'm new to this. The whole, 'talking about how we feel,' thing. I'm new to everything about this, actually. I know I feel something; I'm just not sure what it is. You're a good person, Dean, and I like you too. I want to listen to you talk forever. I want to spend every moment with you because that is what's making me happy, and we all deserve to be happy. You make me happy and I make you happy so yes, I guess you can say I feel the same."

Dean's face lit up. No one has ever felt like this for him before. He had always had a few flings but they were always with girls. He had always tried to convince himself that he was straight, just to make his mother happy, but it was clear that he was not straight: he loved Cas.

"Dean, I feel funny; I feel a little dizzy."

"A lightweight are we? I should have expected it, what with it being your first beer and how fast you drank it. Well, being drunk is fun; I'll get you another."

Castiel:

Allohol soes affecs me

Dean set down the next round of beers and he began to drink them faster to catch up with where Castiel was on his drunken scale.

"So, what's your favourite film, Cas?" Cas took his bottle away from his mouth and set it down with a look on his face that could have been defined as confused.

"Are we talking about those adult films? Because, Dean, I wouldn't say I had a favourite of any of those." Dean burst into laughter and had to shake it off before he could continue the conversation.

"No, Cas, I mean like normal films with more than two or three people starring in it. You can't tell me you've never seen a film before, because that, I refuse to believe." Castiel looked at him blankly and then looked down, ashamed that he hadn't seen one before. Dean grabbed Castiel's hand.

"No way! You're like a Martian, dude! I'm not letting you go on without ever having watched a film. Screw the beers; you're already drunk anyway." Dean stood up and pulled Castiel out of his seat. Cas stumbled and got his balance back before walking alongside Dean, holding his hand.

"We'll have to walk home, of course; I'm not feeling illegal"

"I understand." Castiel had never had to walk anywhere much before.

Dean's hand was warm; this was strange contact that Castiel had never experienced. Why did humans do this? What was so special about it? However, the longer he held Dean's hand, the more he began to understand why they did it; he felt closer to him. Dean could be holding anyone else's hand, but he was holding his, and it was happening right there for anyone to see. Castiel understood now. Dean was happy to walk with Castiel, their relationship on show. They didn't talk much; Dean would lean over and kiss Castiel's head every now and again, and then they would turn and smile at each other, easing closer to home.

"You have to pick what you want to watch, I have so many films; what things do you like?"

"I like angels." Dean looked at him.

"You believe in angels?"

"Of course." Castiel looked at Dean then quickly turned away, slightly embarrassed.

"My mom has, 'It's a Wonderful Life,' if you want to watch something about angels?" Dean wasn't expecting that genre of film to be picked, but he wanted Cas to enjoy it.

"What is it about?"

"It's about an angel who helps a man that isn't feeling his best understand what life would be like if he didn't exist."

"I could watch that."

They finally made it back to Dean's after Castiel's stumbling whilst trying to walk. Dean found it incredibly adorable.

"Let's go stick that film on in my room."

"Your room?" Castiel shifted on his feet, trying to maintain his balance.

"Yes, my room; where else?" Dean looked through the ajar door to the front room and saw his Dad sleeping on the couch. Part of Dean was happy that his Dad was home, but part of him was scared. Had Mary already told John about Dean being gay? How would his Dad react? And also, Dean was never really a fan of his Dad being home: it was always rules and discipline; Dean always tried his best to impress his father, but he felt his sexuality would make his Dad ashamed of him. John started to stir in the chair and Dean quickly moved away, grabbing Castiel's hand and dragging him upstairs.

"Take a seat; the left hand side is mine." Dean gestured towards the bed. Castiel looked at Dean before moving towards the right side of his bed and sitting on the edge.

"I'm not a stranger, Cas, get comfortable." Castiel shuffled over and put his legs up on the bed, leaning back and slipping his shoes off.

"Is this better?"

"You don't need my approval for sitting on a bed, Cas. If you're more comfortable then yes, that's better." Dean opened the DVD tray and put in his mother's copy of 'It's a Wonderful Life' and joined Castiel on the bed.

Castiel sat contently through the whole film. The credits started rolling and Dean turned his head away and quickly dried his eyes. He always refused to watch films like this because of his soft side.

"What did you think of it, Clarence?" Dean turned to Castiel, sniffling.

"It was very sad, but I liked the storyline. And my name isn't Clarence"

"But, you're like an angel to me." Dean smiled at Castiel. Castiel awkwardly looked around the room and shook off Dean's angel reference. Dean put his arm around Castiel, leaning to kiss him on the cheek. Castiel looked at Dean questioningly and then leaned forward and kissed him. This was a new feeling. At the the softness of Dean's lips against his, he felt a surge of warmth rush through his body. Dean placed his hand on Castiel's lower back and pulled him closer to him, into a warm embrace. Although Castiel didn't know what to do in this situation, he enjoyed it; he enjoyed how scared he felt, he enjoyed how new this was and that it was with Dean. Dean traced Castiel's spine up and down before pulling his chin forward, beckoning him closer for a kiss. Soon, their mouths were locked together, passionately kissing. Dean brought his arms back in front of him and started to undo the buttons of Castiel's shirt.

"Dean…" Castiel was breathless. He pulled back, but Dean only pulled him closer.

"Just go with it Cas, I love you, okay? There; I said it."

"I love you too." The words came out as a murmur as Dean was kissing him and tugging at his shirt, trying to remove it. Castiel pulled Dean's sweater off, breaking their lips, but they immediately resumed it afterwards. Dean rolled Castiel over onto his back and placed his hand on his chest, slowly stroking his body and moving closer to the waistband of his pants. Castiel was breathing heavily now, and as Dean could feel his chest pounding, the corner of his mouth perked up. Dean liked that Castiel was enjoying this. He couldn't think of anyone more perfect to share this moment with, other than Castiel. He kissed his chest, moving lower down his body with tiny pecks. He began to undo the button on Castiel's pants. Castiel moaned, he didn't know how to act or what to do, but this felt good and he wasn't going to stop Dean. He place his hand by his sides, gripping the duvet tightly as Dean pulled off Castiel's pants and began nibbling at the waist of his boxers. Dean stroked Castiel's thigh upwards and gripped his underwear, pulling them off. Cas moaned again. Dean teased at Castiel's cock, stroking it before gripping it with his hand. Dean's head was close to Castiel's crotch and Cas could feel the warm breath on his hips, which sent tingles through his body. He'd never felt ecstasy like this before and he didn't want to stop. Dean's tongue lathered over his cock, with Castiel moaning as Dean wrapped his lips around the head and moved back and forth. Castiel gasped; he'd never done this before: what was this feeling? Was this pleasure? Is this what some humans strive for? Castiel understood why. Dean was damn good at it and he couldn't stop moaning.

"Dean, that feels good." Castiel struggled to get his words out, the pleasure overcoming him.

"It's supposed to be." Dean mouthed at Castiel's cock and licked his lips. He moved back up Castiel's body, kissing the hard lines of his defined muscles to his neck, where he bit and tugged, Castiel's moaning getting louder as he did so.

"Shh, shh! My parents are still here, remember?" Dean let out a low laugh that Castiel found extremely sexy. He grabbed Dean's jeans and quickly unbuttoned them, pulling them off. He gripped Dean's cock and slowly traced his thumb over the head; he could feel Dean's pre-come which sent him wild. Dean rested his head on Castiel's shoulder; the pleasure was so much that he couldn't even hold his own head up. He groaned into Castiel's ear and Castiel echoed the moan, moving his hand faster.

"Turn over." Dean smiled at Castiel. Cas followed Dean's instructions and rolled over onto his stomach. Dean leaned on Castiel's back; the curve of his ass fitting perfectly with his crotch. He breathed into Castiel's neck and whispered in his ear.

"I know you're new to this, but I'm going to make you feel like a god." Castiel just whined and nodded. Dean gripped Castiel's hips and pulled him up onto his knees. He gently held Castiel by his hips and he slowly moved the head of his cock past his rim, making Castiel whimper and moan. Dean thrusted back and forth, finding a comfortable rhythm that wouldn't hurt Castiel until he got used to it. Cas pressed his head against the mattress, unable to hold himself up as Dean fucked him, getting faster and faster. Their heavy breathing was synchronized and Cas let out loud moans every now and again, followed by Dean asking him to try and stay quiet. Castiel grabbed Dean's pillow and shoved his face into it, drowning out as much noise as possible; he just couldn't hold it in. Dean felt so good; this felt so good. Why had he never wanted to try this before?

"Cas, I'm gonna come." Dean's thrusts lost their rhythm as he jerked and moaned as he came. He slowed down, pushing Cas forward and covering him with his whole body, breathing heavily into Castiel's ear.

"Did you enjoy that, baby?" Dean whispered, still unable to catch his breath.

"I- yes." Castiel was lost for words. All he could think about was how amazing that was: the adrenaline was rushing through him; this was so different, but he could do it all over again.

"I don't know about you, but I'm ready to grab you in my arms and cuddle you until we fall asleep," Dean smiled, showing his perfect teeth, his green eyes twinkling even though it was pitch black.

"That sounds perfect," Castiel smiled back. Dean rolled off and laid on his back, moving his arm under Castiel's shoulder and pulling him so his head was resting on Dean's chest.

"I couldn't imagine life if you never existed. I don't even need an angel to show me the pain I would feel." Dean kissed Castiel's forehead and slowly, they both drifted off to sleep.

Dean:

I didn't want Cas to leave this morning. I had such a good night last night; it was probably the best night I've ever had. Me and Cas had sex; no, we made love. That sounds so damn cliché, but we did: we made love. You know, I just want to be with him all the time. I want to be able to wake up next to him every morning; I'd open my eyes and see him there next to me. It would remind me exactly how freaking lucky I am. I want to make dinner together and sit and eat together and even when we're old, we'd still make our own candlelit dinners because we won't grow tired of each other. We won't grow apart. He's too amazing. I think my Dad likes him. He knows about us; Mom told him, and he seemed a bit weird at first, but he talked to Cas over breakfast and got to know him more. I still find it cute how alien Cas is to everything. Dad took him outside and spoke to him, so I guess this is just something that fathers do when their kids get new partners, right? Everything is perfect right now. I couldn't ask for more. My grades are improving because my mind is positive; I feel closer to my parents, and Sam. I'm so happy.

Castiel:

I have to leave. I have to get out of here. I need to talk to Gabriel about leaving. There must be a way for me to get back to Heaven. Surely they have forgiven me now. Dean didn't tell me his Dad was a hunter. Then again, why would his Dad tell him; he was only looking out for Dean, wanting him to live a normal life. John took me outside after breakfast and talked to me. He told me how he noticed I left most of my food and how I never drank anything when I was there. He saw me in the early hours of the morning when I was outside while Dean slept, because I don't need sleep. He knows what I am; he knows I'm an angel, and he doesn't want me anywhere near his son. He thinks we're dangerous, but I'm not like other angels. I know what love is, I know what love feels like; I feel these emotions. I have learned about them. I'm different. The last thing I want to do is leave Dean alone; he is so fragile. It's either I leave or I die. The quicker I go, the better it will be. I have written Dean a letter explaining the situation. I will have to leave fi-

Dean:

I've not written in my diary for a few days. What's the point? I have nothing to say. Castiel hasn't spoken to me in five days and I don't know what to do with myself. He told me he loved me. He wouldn't lie; that's unlike Castiel. He's never at home, and neither is his brother; either that or they are ignoring me. I was happy, but nothing ever lasts, does it? Not for me. Nothing ever stays perfect. I always lose people when I get close to them: friends, partners, family… Dad has been really off with me; he won't say more than two words to me. Mom is being really silent, too. Sam spends a lot of time with Jess, now, so I don't speak to him as often as I used to. I'm just so lonely, and it hurts. Knowing Cas doesn't want to speak to me hurts. I've never felt heartache like this. It's not something people just say; it's a physical pain. I feel like someone has punched a hole in my chest and is squeezing my heart with their hand, screaming at me that no one cares whilst laughing in my face.

_Dear Dean,_

_Even though we moved quite quickly, I love you with all my heart. You taught me about love; you made me feel things I had never felt before. However, I haven't been completely honest with you. I was very quiet about my background because it's something you would never believe in. All the childhood stories you were told as a kid: Bloody Mary, ghost stories… It's all real. It sounds crazy, but there are people out there that you fully trust, people who look and act like humans even when they aren't. People you trust; like me. I am an Angel of the Lord, Dean. I am not sent to do his bidding; I am a soldier, a warrior, and I fight his battles. This is the reason I was so unaware of all of what humans believe is 'normal'. Your father hasn't been truthful with you, either. When he goes 'working' for weeks at a time, he is hunting. Not hunting deer, but hunting demons, vampires, werewolves and even angels like myself. I have a bad reputation with the other angels and I am causing uproar on Earth. Your father knew what I was. He noticed patterns: the way I acted, the things I was oblivious to. Because of this I have to leave. I have to go back to Heaven as soon as possible. I'm afraid I can no longer see you. Dean, I fell in love with you and this hurts me just as much as it will hurt you, and I hope you understand. This is not an excuse; it is the truth. I am sorry. This angel has shown you what it's like for me to not exist and I am sorry. I love you._

_\- Castiel_

Dean:

It's true. I asked my Dad. It's all true. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like my heart is refusing to work, refusing to keep me alive. I don't want to be. How could he lie to me? How could my Dad lie to me? Everything would have been avoided if they were just honest with me. I was going to spend the rest of my life with him; we were going to be normal, but how could we have been normal if he wasn't even human? No, we would have worked around it; he was too special. I'm on the road. I have taken my Dad's car and I'm not stopping. My mom knew about this and my Dad… my Dad killed him. Walked into his home and killed him. He killed the only person I have ever loved and the only person I would have loved for the rest of my life. How can I carry on knowing that he is no longer here? Why did the situation that I didn't want to become real come true? I didn't want to lose Cas, not like this; I didn't want to lose him at all, ever. Especially not because of my Dad. He doesn't understand reason; he always thinks he's right. He thinks his judgement is the correct judgement. Well, he is wrong. I'm not carrying on like this. I've been good in my life; surely if I end it I will be with Castiel in Heaven. Right? I'm not standing back just asking questions; it either works or it doesn't. I will be with Cas. I will be with my angel.


End file.
